Sta.sh
MY LITTLE PONY: EYES AND HOURGLASSESChapter I: "Mail Call"
Written by Diane N. TranDerpy Hooves was Ponyville's neighbourhood mail-mare. When she was first hired for this job, there was a great deal sniggering all over Cloudsdale for hiring the ridiculous, little cross-eyed pegasus. Luckily for her, looks can be deceiving and, in time, she became the best mail-mare that Ponyville ever had.
Letter by letter, parcel by parcel, she would work her way from one end of town to the other, zipping from house to house, building by building, slipping envelopes into each mail-box and each mail-slot, and waving to each pony she passed by. Through rain, wind, or shine, she was there every morning without fail and one thing she always prided herself on was never being late and, today, she was ahead of schedule. If she kept this up, she might treat herself with muffins at Sugarcube Corner — a dozen, perhaps!
Maybe chocolate? Oh, or raisins!
She shook her head, which jingled like a cowbell between her ears, in order to cast the distractions out of her mind. She needed to focus on her work first.
She picked out the last letter from her bag and re-read the name and address. She was looking forward to delivering this one all day. Derpy heard in passing about the new pony in town and a new stallion was always news for the mares. He had moved into the antiquated, dilapidated Old Clock Tower isolated at the far end of Ponyville. Erected back during the town's foundation, it was perhaps the oldest standing building around — and this was his first letter.
She somersaulted effortlessly in the air and landed on her four hooves before the building. That's strange. Where was the mail-box? Her amber eyes spun around in confusion until she noticed a big crater in the grass where the wood post of the mail-box once stood. When she cantered to the front door, there was no mail-slot either.
How silly. How was he ever going to his letters this way?
As the routine for larger deliveries, Derpy banged her head on the door and waited. She wasn't going to leave it out on the porch for the wind to blow it away. "Letter for Mr. Doctor Whooves," she called cheerfully and banged her head upon the wood again.
The door opened and the strangest thing she ever saw came out...
A little metal box resembling something like the shape of a dog rolled out in front of the door, whirling its radar-dish ears, as the red screen of its eyes blinked at her and its antennae-like tail moved from side to side, with a plaid collar around its hose-like neck and the word "K-9" scrawled upon its flank.
Derpy's mouth was agape at the thing. The letter she held between her teeth fell on the doormat at the sight of this — this — whatchamahoozit! Yeah, that was the only word she could think of to describe it!
"Greetings and salutations," it heralded in a monotone, mechanical voice.
The pegasus' eyes widened and she responded to it the best way she could:
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Screeching at the top of her lungs, she bulleted up into the air as fast as her wings could carry her, tunnelling holes through the clouds above.
"What was that awful noise, K-9?" questioned a brown-coated pony from inside the house and glanced outside in investigation.
"Insignificant data to form a reply," beeped the robotic dog. "But the post has arrived, Master."
"Oh, brilliant! My first letter! I guess they didn't forget about me after all. And you were worried, ha!" The stallion joyously took the letter from the ground between his teeth and trotted back inside, shutting the door behind him.
First off, the introduction was a bit all over the place. I understand that it's supposed to be somewhat random since it's about Derpy, but it has a bit to be desired. It's important to fully paint a picture for your reader when you write, rather than saying quite plainly what happened. HOWEVER, you're better at it than most amateur writers, so I wouldn't say that it's a huge problem. (I don't mean amateur as an insult considering that I'm one.)
The part where the "new colt" came into the picture was a bit confusing. Not that the reader wouldn't be able to tell what's going on, but rather that it doesn't "pain the picture" in a way that's very easy to visualize.
Also, in your writing style, you use "1st person writing," while having "3rd person description." It's okay to make Derpy's point of view without instating it as hers, but you're overdoing it just a bit. I suggest that you either tone down the Derpiness or use "I" instead of Derpy.
Over all, with just a bit of easy editing, it could be almost perfect. ^^ Your style is pretty good, and the story itself isn't bad. I hope that I've been of some help. Good luck with your writing!
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